cleaning up so well (jones_casey) wrote,
cleaning up so well
jones_casey

OH EM GEE

two-and-a-half men is fantastic.

january 12th episode.

features carol kane ftw. (ftw is wtf backwards...)

and i love the way they're pushing the network-broadcast-censor-envelope.

[dr. alan harper stands outside a house. he knocks on the door.]
melissa, his receptionist: dr. harper, what are you doing here?
alan harper: what do you think i'm doing here?
m: please don't make me guess.
ah: [lustily] i'm makin' you guess.
[she pounces & they make out]
ah: correct.

[woman {kane} approaches the doorway from inside the house.]
woman: melissa, honey, who's here?
m: uh, mom, this is my boss, dr. harper.
m: dr. harper, this is my mother.
ah: [nervously] hello.
w: hello yourself. i understand there's been some inappropriate behavior in the workplace.
ah: yeah, well, uh, about that. i i i just want you to know that i have nothing but respect for your daughter. and i i would never do anything to --
w: i'm just yanking your chain! ain't nothin' wrong with beddin' the boss. that's how i wound up with the little princess here and half a black angus franchise. well come on in, i'm watchin' hellboy.
ah: okay, thanks.
[they enter.]
w: do you smoke dope?

{scene with charlie}

[all sitting together on a sofa looking at a photo album.]
w: [pointing] and this picture here is toward the end of my labor.
w: [pointing] that's my vagina.
w: [pointing] and that's melissa's little head pokin' outta me like a groundhog. hey, i guess if she'd seen her shadow i woulda had six more weeks of labor.
ah: that's funny.
w: of all my kids, she was the easiest. just like poppin' out a ping-pong ball. poonk!
ah: that's quite an image.
w: yeah. oh, and it was a natural childbirth too. no drugs. just a couple of peyote buttons and bitin' down on a rope.
m: uh, mom, would you mind if dr. harper and i have a little time alone?
w: sorry honey. you kids must be as horny as a couple of drunken rabbits. enjoy.
[she starts out of the room.]
w: oh and uh, kama sutra's on the bookshelf...'case you feel like pushin' the envelope.
[she leaves the room.]
m: i'm sorry about that, mom never really made it home from woodstock.
ah: don't be silly, she's delightful.
ah: i'm just gonna close this up now.
[closes photo album.]
[pauses.]
[kisses her and they start making out.]
[mother passes through the room.]
w: don't mind me, i'm just gonna roll a phatty in the backyard and zone out in the hammock.

{scene with charlie}

[ah & m making out.]
["up and away...in my beautiful balloon" plays.]
ah: hang on.
[ah sets m aside and takes out his cell phone.]
ah: charlie, now's not a good time. all right, put him on.
jake harper: i can't talk now, dad, i'm about to get lucky with an older woman.
ah: what! where are you? jake? jake?
[mother enters the room, blows smoke at alan]
w: alan? would you be totally weirded out by a little mother-daughter tag team?

{fade to black}
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